looking back, looking forward

The other night, just before I went to sleep, I thought about Paris. I’ve only been to Paris twice, both during the same trip. After leaving Copenhagen, I headed to Paris and crashed on a friend of a friend’s apartment floor. After touring around the south of France for a month or so, I ended up back in Paris.

On the night before my great adventure ended (I had been living abroad for upwards of six months by that point), I sat on the steps of Sacre Coeur or the Church of the Sacred Heart to watch the sunset. I gazed across the city, and thought about what the past six month had been. I remembered meeting my first friends, learning to travel by myself, changing the way I saw the world.

I looked out on all I had been and what I had become.

This past June I had a similar experience.

At the FTE conference on ministry, the last nighttime worship was Taize’ inspired. Through prayers, songs, and silence we all came to a common space. There were different stations set up all around the chapel. Toward the back, chairs were set up in a curve facing a stair case up to the balcony. Entering the space, I walked by the Holy Water. Crossing myself with it, I made my way to the first banner. It was Isaiah six: Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” And I said, “Here I am; send me!”

I went to the next banner at the bottom of the steps. There a fishnet was loosely hanging over six or seven versions of Christ’s call for us to be fishers of men.

I ascended the steps and at the landing, there were a set of minister’s robes. I turned around, and laid out beneath me was the whole chapel--candles, people suspended in song and prayer, and hope.

And I realized I was looking out on my future--on what my life might be, and I was happy and stunned and excited and terrified. All at once.

Then I realized, its what I need to do. And I’m glad to do it.

The Lord asked “Whom shall I send?”

Send me.